“He’s such a sweet kid.” A mom says to me as she proceeds to tell me how other kids pick on him at school. I hear this often, and it is something I have been hearing for several years. Because somewhere around third or fourth grade, many parents discover that their kind, agreeable child has become the target for other kids’ amusement.

Here’s why. Bullies aren’t looking just for weak kids to harass. They’re scanning for the predictable kid. A kind child is wonderfully predictable, he won’t escalate, won’t tell, will apologize for something he didn’t do, and will come home and say school was fine. That isn’t a weakness. It’s a virtue being used against him.

Usually what stops this targeting doesn’t require using your hands at all. Head up, eyes forward, an answer given at full volume instead of a mumble. I’ve watched this change of posture and attitude move a kid out of the predictable column in a single semester.

Now the harder part, because parents deserve honesty here.

“Tell a teacher or adult” is always the right first move, and it is often enough. But we all know a child who did exactly that, and nothing changed. He then starts inventing stomachaches on Sunday night. He now figures that he is on his own, and he has no option but to put up with the verbal and sometimes physical abuse until the end of the school year.

Let me be clear.

Words are never a reason to put your hands on someone. Never. Not an insult, not a name. A child who swings because he was called something has already lost, and at my school he’d hear that from me.

But no child should be required to stand still and be hurt.

Our dojo kun, the code we recite at the end of every class, tells us to refrain from violent behavior. Refrain. Not abstain. That word was chosen with care. We aren’t raising pacifists. We’re raising people who are capable, and who therefore almost never have to prove it. This mindset personifies the old adage that says: “I would rather be a samurai tending his garden than a gardener caught in a battle.”

One last thing, and most parents miss this. Tell your child clearly your expectations. I always defer to the parents’ chosen way of action, but your child must hear it from you. Kids do nothing out of confusion, they honestly don’t know whether they’re allowed to defend themselves or just take it. So say it (if you agree with this posture): “if someone puts their hands on you and you can’t walk away, you may protect yourself, and you will not be in trouble with me. Then you tell me everything.”

That sentence costs nothing, and for a sweet, kind child it may be the most valuable one he hears all year.